February 13, 2010

because sometimes love involves pain

i was listening to a Pearl Jam song, Just Breathe the other day and it made me smile at the truth in the statement. "I’m a lucky man to count on both hands, The ones I love, Some folks just have one, Others they got none!" i can say that other than friends and family, i have had the pleasure of loving 3 different women in my life. the interesting thing about love is that it tends to be a wonderful experience ripe with heartache.

the first, barbara, my high school sweetheart, she celebrated me for all i was and labeled me as sunshine. the odd thing about a first love is that sometimes it can be scary, especially when that love fans the flames of desire and shakes up life for some so young. i know she loved me and i certainly did they same, but several moments in time my Sagittarian ways of bullish verbal sparing i ran her over and though i think neither of us wanted to leave each other, we did, and she quickly went to someone else & i only looked back twice before forgetting why we ever walked away. i spent a long time (7yrs) getting over her, yeah, when you love and are loved sometimes you don't want to let go. it was this relationship and its emotional intensity, sex, and story book start that i did not believe could be reproduced. after those 7 yrs in the desert she found me in my loft and we have been friends ever since. in a way we both profoundly affected each others life because a few months ago she told me that she married the guy after me because he would never break her heart the way i did. many of the life decisions related to women and walls and relations since here have been conducted because of that experience.

the second is a story of love at first site and destiny, but also of unrequited love. you see, i met aimee one day in extraordinary circumstances, and spent the next 3 years in a non-physical relationship with her. we were a perfect match and still to this day she is the only person i have asked to marry. now of course she said no, and maybe never really loved me anywhere near the place i did. i changed my life for her and then forsook that life for the one i have now. regrets, maybe, pain, yes, love, very much. someday when i am dead they will publish my notebook from that time and it will read like the most tragic love letter ever.

the third, tara, a perfect balance to my exuberant nature who at once celebrated my kinky style and elevated it beyond repose. we spent a few months paralleling each other and one month of bliss. the last day we spent together was fabulous and full of art and sex and love. i know this because she said it and i always felt it when she was around. she supported my art, my soul and she said she loved me the night she left me for a girl. she was younger than me by several years, and at an age i think that sort of connection scares you. i wrote one of my best poems about her, and manic rose city is really a love story for her. i still feel her comfort today and am so very happy we can talk again and share our lives. her soul has so much comfort in it for me and her words are piercing, but i love her because she understand me, accepts me and celebrates me.

a general theme, i can only love if i see that a woman knows my soul. endeaver to be worthy, because i am worth it. my art is all about those stories and the beauty that women evoke! i have always wanted a great love affair for the ages, and sometimes wonder if anyone is capable of meeting me on that level. i believe in soul mates and eternal love, but i also believe many people can be the loves of our life because we must learn that being complete is only found inside of us.

there may be a fourth, and fifth and ? out there as i have recently heard a women i have never met in person describe my soul. there is also a woman i know who i have had a crush on since i first met her at a betties party. she makes me nervous every time i am near her and i want only to celebrate her, but love is a funny thing full of pain that in her i cannot figure out how to move past her wall of hurt or show her me without my persona.

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