March 14, 2010

as a scientist i should not believe in the divinity of random connections


all of my favorite dive bars have hosted a night of shenanigans, debauchery, and the pursuit of pleasure. i used to be more direct than i am now, but really everything i do is about mood and energy type. on this night several years ago the scene was Kelly's and all the usual characters apply.

my memory is crystal on the subject and path which the night of debauchery and yet it was another night with Andrew, so you know i could not see straight when i was in the back of that cab home. i was promoting Manic Rose City at the Bettie's party, listening to Chasing Skirt; enjoying the sight of all the punk rockabilly dolls. i lay my attention to the cute doll in front of me who was wearing a white t shirt. she is there with a small group and continually pays attention to me. i remember looking at the group i was with and letting my smile and the several jamesons and pbr's take over from there. i have found a long time ago that everyone responds to confidence or at least i thought.

i can be a big flirt full of the moment with the experience in the pursuit is what i crave. i stood up full of myself, going for one last Jamesons neat and soon turned to see you right next to me. i smiled and said how you doing with the tip of my hat. feeling bombastic and flush. we had met before a few times through one very crazy mutual friend. i always wondered what you thought of this debauchery. you said you wished a certain boy would kiss you but he hasn't. i smiled and thought to myself i wish it were me.

there was this moment later i decided i was going home with the white tee despite the complications it was going to make. she was much younger than me by like 4 years or more. i wondered if this is how Bukowski felt. i went outside to smoke and wait for her to join me from the bar. Cooper came out was enjoying a cigarette with me when the girls walked out out and hopped in the back of a cab. white tee paused as she got in, looking me directly in the eye like with this anguished look.

i turned to Cooper with a what the fuck look. he said she grabbed him near the bathroom and asked if i was seeing someone. i could not believe he had divulged on me and i berated him so, but soon found myself in the back of a cab. i wanted out of my personal hell and had decided to accelerate its transgressions. as of yet i had not strayed despite ample opportunity too. i sat there feeling lost and remember your desire from your boy. it seems we both in a very inebriated way lost out on something we both wanted. i did not know this evening had solidified so many thoughts about you that over time i would experience.

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