March 30, 2010

you are best in show



i was thinking of the the title reference here as a i read it in a poem i wrote like a year or two ago. it took a little while for me to connect who said this to me, but then i remembered everything else she said. i find i like it when ex lover's tell me of their joy from our sessions. it was a bit heady knowing i was best in show in her long and illustrious sexual life. to hear her describe why was quite fun and really only brought a smile to my face and the image of those times.



i have been thinking not about past lovers to much but whether i have room for future ones. my instinctual energy is forever drawn and an expression of my sexual intensity in a world of mania, art and creativity. for some of the last year i have forsaken the carnal pursuit that has been my past time of chasing skirt. i did it to focus on my art and to transform that energy into creativity. i did it to cleanse my soul of the torture of the last 5 years of lies. i did it because i want to remember what it means to love again, to cherish a woman for her soul in a way that is not dominated by the physicality of my intense sexuality.



it was working very well in the creativity department, and in some of those purely creative moments i remembered a woman in my life who has always made me feel nervous and alive. she always stayed so distant and never took my flirtation as something serious behind it, and i respected her for that more than she can realize. the interesting thing about using my vast reserves of libidinous energy for art is that i could not feel a connection to the deep well of love in my soul. yet facing the realization of this beautiful soul has so much potential to give me a foundation for that future i want, i undertook the task of prying the cap off my well of love. it is a risky game i have begun to play for mania runs wild when unleashed like popping the cap off a bottle of champagne. i have my connection to words and love and the capability to feel and express for her something i have hidden since the moment i met her. but the other consequence of this is now my sexual energy is running wild and i have to either channel it to creativity or loose myself in the best in show!



which love would you have me do?


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