May 11, 2010

this feeling i cannot shake

i have been having this conversation with myself for damn near several months now and it is not getting me anywhere. i have included a few strangers and a few folks who know me well to help give me insight. it is a little disturbing though when you yourself keep dismissing the answer that others conclude, and what do you do when the answer only makes things worse?

since the baby momma left, i have been trying to reconnect with friends and been trying to connect with myself. all the while coming fully to realize that i lost the best part of my prime life when i was fully in my element. i felt it was the most stable time of my life despite living in my own personal hell. but as i have connected with people i have come to fully understand that i can not get there emotionally. no matter how hard i tried there has been no connection of heart or soul, even with the ladies i have liked and been connected with physically. turns out, i have held the emo connection in reserve and built a little wall or compartment for it that no one can ever get too.
or at least that is what the prevailing sentiment is. i keep thinking it is that i have diverted all that energy to the creation of art, but who am i fooling. it has apparently been going on since before babymomma was even in the picture, some 5-6yrs ago.

the truth is, i have no clue what to do next and feel that all my future holds in reality is my daughter, my art, and the hundreds of people who will pass through my life without ever really making a connection to my emotional well. this artistic life is truly a sad lonely one if all you ever wanted to share it with was a few people who could understand you.

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