September 29, 2010

just words today

so long sitting on my pedestal that i forgot how high up it was
i never learn from each fall
as i keep thinking of the mess i have made of my self
this perilous melancholy in the fall
with the sagging sun and perfect light for photography
i do not even care about my camera
i do not care about me
except that i am unwell
missing my smile and the joy i felt in it
i am amazing at fucking up the very thing that is me
i can see that the knowledge you exist makes me uncomfortable because
i do not think i ever thought you really existed
until september you were an audible hallucination
someone i dreamed of meeting to help me through my lonely existence
here you are, in the flesh, two thousand miles away
as beautiful and wonderful as i could imagine
it makes me unsure of what to do now
for i can sometimes be very impatient for the things i crave
and you i am afraid to loose before we ever really get a start
yes, love.
just say yes love.
just say what you mean and that you will come to stay
it is what i crave
it is what i have waited for, if you are who you say you are
i stand here in this pool of manic rubble
unsure of which direction is which
as up is right, right is left, down does nothing and left is backwards
to say the pedestal is high is a start
to say i am broken is an understatement
there is always a price to pay for the suspension of disbelief
and even in mania basic physics apply,
what goes up must come down
for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction
i want to believe there is a day you are coming to stay
i feel naive to think you need me like i seem to need you now
having picked up your pieces and moved positively forward
i find my phase shift to painful to comprehend
i do not like myself
i do not feel strong in my ability to change
and like a child who throws a fit
i do not want to pick myself back up again
i just want to hold your hand

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