September 25, 2010

phase shifts mean alot to the rotational energy of love

as i pour the last bit of alcohol down the drain
there is none left in my house
i am resolute to find myself not in my beloved dive bars
but in the studio creating
fresch paintings of color, prints of photographic banality, or stories of woven desire
this week will have forever defined me because of the toll its stress put upon me
and the three different people, all important to my life, who left these easter egg
statements in my subconscious to percolate up into life altering choices
"i am worried about your heart" - azure
"we know twisted pinups is never going to be a reality?" - me
"you and i need to quit drinking" - sara
i did it, will you join me? i want you too; we both have a love we need to express and you articulated to me what i have been feeling
i fear though that we are not really together to support each other and the question remains will we be able to win this battle for our epic storybook
i am the only manic depressive i have ever met who believes you can win
and by win i truly understand that means control it, harness it enough that it does not eat you alive - yeah, i have always believed i could harness it
if you look at my life there is evidence of it, but for all that energy and control i must exhibit
there is an equal and opposite amount of reckless exuberance
it always involves drugs, alcohol and staying out into the wee hours of the morning

the lessons learned this week were a bit more painful than i want
a bit more emo than i like
when i needed you, when i needed me
all i had was the will to try one more thing
there was nothing but a void
like no comfort with side of spite
those three statements that percolate in my brain
are painful imprints of the phase shifts that happen
when the rotational energy of love has no outlet in a physical expression
i am at once the most confident in my art, life and stature and
at once the biggest self doubter
it often stands to be a motivational tool
but when my world crashes and i had no where to turn but this void of space
i realize there is only me and this hidden emo
i spend all my time putting energy and structure around

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