October 31, 2010

to sleep next


the time is shorter
when i am in the west
and you in the east
is it sunny there love
it's pissing rain
in the mossy city
where you saw three roses
i am going to smile
because i want to believe
you can love me like i do
i am going to laugh
because i know it makes
you smile
i know you are in a dive bar
like me
this is comfortable for us
it brings me comfort to think
the beautiful you exists
for only me to love
for only me to cherish
will you, won't you
i say yes
i say yes
i do i do i do
either in clevo
the rose city
or somewhere sunny warm
i want to be your love
for all your time
and every day
wake up to your smile
to say i am devoted
to you
to sleep next to your
saturated skin
i loved
like no other

October 30, 2010

i wrote to you


details dear
its always the details
between us that matter
you are alone
i am alone
i crave you
two thousand miles away
i am at the bar
smiling at kelly or tina or tommy
all my favorite bartenders
i am finishing the book
i wrote to you
before i knew you
were more than my hallucination
i wish you were here
so i could make you happy
show you happy
i love
so much more
than you can image
it is real
to believe in me
i believe in you
in spite that you
feel you do not deserve it
i am in love
with you
i am in love
with me and the way
i wish you would love me
fear is the mind killer
it taints a beautiful soul
like you

October 29, 2010

joy match up

the time comes quickly
when you and i will stare
at each other and smile again
for this love that burns
like a flame enriched with oxygen
it burns brightest when together
and eats at us when apart
this affair may be perfect
in a time and place we coexist
it has passion
care, and kinky love
when apart
its like we do not know
there is another to love
it is this idea of a we
that is the difference between
you and me
like no other
like no other
we are going to love each other
like no other
before or sense
is there enough fuel
to fan the fire
when we are apart
there is a fickle need
one of us will have
that makes it so easy
to walk away
it is ever so perfect
love
to meet your match
to feel your joy
to be lifted up
love
you are a joy to me
i really wish to see
feel and breathe
your touch a salvo
in the days of our time
together i want you
my love
to share my life
to be my hope
and help create our dreams

October 28, 2010

i know what you did


there is this pattern i keep seeing
it is never spoken of
not a single word said
except the one time you said to me
i would not hold it against you
its not quite a smile on my face
thinking
i am not the one with the pattern
i am not the one this time
there is this pattern i keep seeing
and i wonder if you see it too
if you even know
how it makes me feel
to not ever say a thing
i would not hold it against you
except that it is hidden
subversive
time spent upfront
making it ok by separation
time spent upfront
separating you from me
subversive and derisive
just to absolve you
i see this pattern and i
i know what you did
it would be ok
if you knew
how it makes me feel
this time spent upfront
being subversive

i know why

i know why you swoon
in the light of day while reading my words
i know why you swoon
in the din of darkness expecting the attention
on you like a warm salve
all this attention is so very intoxicating
to you and me
in this world where most do not care
in this world where people are cruel
its cold
the way we crush spirits
i know why you swoon
for that hope it may bring
to your desolate heart
starved and stammering for the warmth of love
i know why
i know why you run
after all that swooning
the attention is on you
it feels different
the spotlight of words and love
it feels different
to have to react to attention
that has a real person behind it
i know why you swoon
i know why you run
i know why the world is cold
why we are at once hot like ice
it all comes down to touch
and i know why

the latitude of our sunshine


the latitude of our sunshine
is found in the memories of you and i
pursuing our love song in dive bars
throughout this bitter country
despair in desolate places
we crave the comfort of strangers
clinging to each other
with a wanderlust
that is a moist folly
in between that is something else
something known but never spoken
the latitude of our sunshine
is nights riding home
head on shoulder in dirty cabs
driven by mad russians
or dirty hipsters
as drunk as we are in each other
there is only tomorrow like today
the latitude of our sunshine
is all about sunshine
and love
a love of you
for me
this is why it begins
where it will end
the latitude of our sunshine
is a story of you and i
a love affair
for our emo selves

October 27, 2010

more to you


i heard the sound
as it escaped your voice
i saw your face
a few moments later
so i smiled at you
knowing there would be more
touch, it is more than touch
pleasure, it is all about pleasure
i want more of this
beautiful
it is so very beautiful in you
your love of me more than i know
in all the moments i can wish
for the hue of your voice
the pitch of your skin
there is more to you and i
than this scripture
more than skin and touch
more than voice and love
i will take it all now
today and tomorrow
it is so very beautiful in you
when i hear that sound from your lips
more to you and i than love

October 26, 2010

as almost lovers

i took that leap you asked of me
a subtle flick of divinity
the time was gone and done
with nothing left between
except wonderful memories of lust
i smile like no tomorrow
remembering the times
spent hand in hand
as almost lovers
tomorrow is today is next week as it is last year
the other side looks cleaner
after the grit of brick and mortar
i know so many things about myself
i believe so many things about you
i can say they may not meet
as my almost lover
tomorrow and next year the adventure is lighted
by the hope of all the tomorrows in between
i took the leap you asked me too
i wish you had jumped with me
then this grassy field would be ours
as lovers picking flowers

October 24, 2010

pheromone wonderland kisses


so many days and so many nights
fuel the dreams of you and i together
on a sunday morning when the weather keeps us in bed
your legs entwined in mine as our bodies
seek the warmth of pleasure
i trace my fingers along your skin
from your calf to your waist as i pause and run circles around your ink
i can smell the pheromones left
from our night of pleasure
the warmth of your sigh
the taste of your soft lips
i can see the love in your eyes
feel the world surround us as we lay in bliss
spooning the morning away
our love a perfect pleasure
your skin is a wonderland of pleasure
a dream i express in words
when i whisper in your ear
in anticipation of your kisses

only when you are up


been up since 4 or so listening to the rain
at first in bed just wondering how i have come through this year
its destiny a bit laden with hope
its reality a bitter trial of failing expectations
the path through others does not lead you to your home
but rather to their fun house of mirrors best explored in some other manner than the pursuit of your most cherished hope
now i am just sitting listening to the melancholy pitter patter
of oregon rain as it strikes the blossom tree
this coffee is dark and bitter and all i can do is smile
its called liquid sunshine for a reason
people only love you when you are up
then they vanish like dandelions blown in the wind
just listen to that sound
its rain and hope
mixing in the light of early morning
there is a reason i love the comfort of strangers
i can be who i want to be
and then go home
our moments carry only that time
and the memory
there is no way to tarnish hope
and i always find my way home then

October 23, 2010

just a pretty girl having fun


last night was so darn cool for so many reasons. made some new fans, met some existing fans and ran into an old friend nicole.

drunk talked to azure for a time reiterating a basic understanding.

October 21, 2010

the sound of eros


the sound of eros is a rogue yell
from a rebel corner sitting pretty

the sound of eros is the emo look
paid for by the satisfied exhaustion

October 18, 2010

the hope of compartmentalized joy

the hue of milky brown goodness swirled in this girls eyes as she looked up at me
i could only smile inside for that look i have seen before in you
i wondered if it would make you happy to know that i stopped believing
in the color of my dreams
in the outlook for tomorrow
after throwing out the garbage of fantasy
i am only left with the hope of compartmentalized joy
discreet moments wrapped in a boundary layer
i am different now than i ever have been
this hue of milky goodness is a reminder
the penchant for joy may be divine but i know my place in this controlled chaos
i had to learn it again and being so far removed from the time that released me
it took some energy of stabilization to get this done
i forgive myself easily when i understand why i do what i do
my intentions for myself and ultimately for you were the most pristine
romantic and a delight that i know i desire and would have thought you would too
yet i can only underestimate this self i create and the intensity it brings
i am not afraid of my transition
in fact, i am somewhat excited by the prosperity and prospect of the other side
i wish i could be with you
i wish i could help you
i wish i could love you in a way you like
standing in the early morning cold and sunshine
thinking about your milky eyes and smile
i am not so sure i am supposed too
i am sure tomorrow comes regardless of what happens today
there is no difference in my feelings for you
except there must be a time and a place for them
a boundary event that i see will be compartmentalized too
time and space is a fickle partner
who conspires to bring us together and keep us apart
there is only me at this stage in memory
like a light switch we will remember it all again
when next we see each other on a late Fall day almost three months later
the hue that is my love for you will see that smile again
in joy compartmentalized to a love affair of hours
the hope of shared debauchery as a storybook unfolds
romantic and tragic in its desperate attempt to reveal a future
i never wanted to predict
i am reminded of that hue of milky goodness and i smile
wondering what you are doing on this cold day

October 16, 2010

we all know that entropy wins


i never had any regrets growing up till i was old enough to have really made a poor decision and it was only after a series of really poor choices led me through a valley of despair. i regret things now a days from time to time. the picture above is of the entrance wall in my loft studio in the pearl i had several years ago. the wall i set up so that people who came to the studio could write messages, leave tags and put graffiti art on my wall. i miss this place, the opportunities it brought and the proximity to all my favorite things. i regret selling it, but it afforded me so many other opportunities that this regret is only rooted in the fact i can never have that time again. that wall will all its messages and the war of paint colors fought on my studio walls as if it a tapestry of the war within me for which manic energy would win.

October 15, 2010

i am the cookie monster


i am the cookie monster
i will eat your cookie
when me hungry, me devour all the cookies
in fact i have never met a cookie i did not like

i am the cookie monster
i know you have cookies for me
i know your cookie is warm and delicious
in fact, bring me your cookie now as i am hungry

i am the cookie monster
C is for cookie, and cookies are for me
i want your cookie, i want all the cookies
i am the cookie monster and you want me to devour your cookie

October 14, 2010

the simplicity of everything and the complexity of nothing


you can only be lost when there is somewhere to be found.

life sometimes gets in the way of dreams. we are all just energetic forms affected by the energy of others as it transitions states.

perception is everything and communication is the means to affect it. i have something to say to this entropic universe that i want to yell from the rooftops. but i am going to whisper it in your ear because it is between me and you to fulfill.

October 13, 2010

the time of the sagging sun


the time of the sagging sun refers to my days in the pearl and my favorite time of the year for walking the streets and photographing my beloved city. in the Fall, the sun's rays are of an intensity that they cover a city in perfect zonal light. i miss these days of being stoned and manic from some womanly episode that all i could do was walk, photograph and walk some more. the light was perfect in its quality and crystal effects.

i miss everything about living in my loft, from the morning sun in my kitchen nook bedroom to the din of first thursday revelers. all the fucking, drugs, and art parties. maybe i was the reveler of my own creation. so many people, so many memories. it was the beginning of an explosion that has led me to today; two poetry books in print and a third on the way; 5 art photography books in various stages of creation and two art/word book combos in their infancy. a loving smart beautiful daughter; i am changing the world every day!

October 12, 2010

i wear blue glasses for a reason

there is something poetic about the way dreams evaporate once they come true or the way i always think i am perfect and in control and then find myself lost in dementia. or something like that. i keep trying all these different tricks to right the ship i ran aground in manic exuberance. a mad captain running amok like a pirate king in a marauding set of pleasured events. a limited set of pleasure but still the finite vision of debauchery.

i know i am not "well"
i know i am losing
i know i am lost
i know i am not "well"

there is something romantic about the struggles of a manic artist to flip their moods always to the positive, like an inverter in electronics that yield only an amplified sine wave. it is not really possibly in life to always be on the up, for this defies fundamental physics. for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. what goes up must come down ...

i know i am desperate
i know i am lonely
i know i am definitive
i know i am lost

there is something perfect about the lies a manic artist tells himself to motivate his accent from the depths. or maybe they are the lies i weave in my daily life to keep me on the accent and away from shadow. it is so easy to find yourself in shadow and have that darkness tarnish the sunshine mania brings. the disassociation of feelings from reality as i filter this daily life through blue.

i am entropic
i am dynamic
i am tarnished
i am verbose

there is something divine about the joy of mania or at least the outcome of that joy. just as there is something sinister about the fall from grace. i can always imagine climbing up a tall pedestal as if i were a climber scaling a building. i can never picture the fall from those heights nor the divine thoughts pondered on cloud nine.

i need love
i need smiles
i need touch
i need hope

there is something to this ability to suspend one's disbelief, but like a debt unpaid to the mob. you can only avoid the punishment for so long till your mood comes due. i have many tricks in my bag, but when they do not work and i must find other avenues. i crave those needs more than anything else in this life.

October 10, 2010

simple mixed media

a simple mixed media say i am divine, lost, and unfulfilled
after the mixed energy of my time in Fall
i keep thinking i will never get this straight
maybe it does not matter
as i smile thinking of all this love
this weekend was about art, control, joy and letting go
it was about saying goodbye to the Timbers season
with a right good heckling of the bloody whitecaps
i can be better at this
i can forgive myself for the fall
i can find what it is i am seeking
if i just accept it is already here inside of me
i need to keep this mixture
the molar balance to a chemical reaction
we are powder and an in need of activation
the energy of the reaction
and tonight we say goodbye lads
we love the green and gold
we love the rose city
despite the no pity love
tomorrow i will paint you another masterpiece

October 6, 2010

the DNA of ecstasy

the delicious nature of you and i
is so very simple
i am not going to expound on platitudes
except of the kind that you and i deserve
the kind that expose our DNA
for the bombastic joy in debauchery
we are more than two peas in a pod
there is this mania doctrine of infinite decibels
heard only at the time saturation
or when the double helix unravels to reveal
that we control our moods through alcohol, sex, drugs and art
the style of the bohemian is a little off center
so far left you might be right or on your head
building pressure in our daily lives
of boredom and stress that shone like beacons of blank canvas
you are the same debauchery as me
in your punk inked style steeped in emo
we are the outlaws surrounded by squares and hipsters
this rebel rousing doctrine shared in essence and style
this ecstasy in pleasure is a bender of mind altering substances
we pass the time in dive bars and art studios
on the streets and in bed
this bombastic and gregarious pursuit
is a synthesis in pheromone reactions
a filter is one compartment in our helix
the vices are bonds between our egos
the mind numbing excess is ecstasy for our love

i am going to win today because of you

besides waking up from a sleep that should have made me cranky
i felt refreshed and a little perplexed to know my dreams were odd
i could not remember them
yet they gave me the vibe of feeling contained
as i got up to start the day feeling my normal tired
i read your wise words
wished i could kiss you right then and just smiled
for you said what i have been telling myself internally
at first i was confused because i could not place the dreams in this context
then i just felt relief
it is a little scary that you know me so well
i cannot hide from myself
with a love like you to call my bluffs
we may very well be perfect for each other
i really wish i could look in your eyes as i tell you this
you make me better at being me
i do not know what i will do with this knowledge tomorrow
but today i am going to use it to win
use the confidence i gain from recognizing your love
to beat back all the shit that has been whooping my ass
because i now can
because you love me
because i love you
we may be two thousand miles away
living our lives together and apart
you are going to make me happy
help me to be happy
i pray i can do the same
somehow just knowing your love exists
is helping me to find that connection to myself
i thought i had lost the path too
you are my dream of hope love
this scrumptious beauty that time and space has brought
to me at a time i asked for my love to be revealed

October 5, 2010

cue the clown music now


in a vain attempt to cure the incurable
i should have just punched myself in the face
entitlement is the grand theory of the bourgeoisie
i have a little more punk in me
the cure is a good punch up and a fuck
a royal good time pissing in the wind
the drink and the dolls are just an endeavor
to explore the boundaries of sand
your beauty is not measured in pixels
they are only the rules of dreams
governed by a whim and the scent
of my pheromones and yours
mixed in eternal pleasure
so carnally satisfying is our delight
i urge you strongly my sweet dear
to come and get what you may want to explore
this sexual satisfaction under our boundaries

the sound a whore makes


i never thought i would know this and right now i crave a little more of it
the sound a whore makes when she is in the throw of orgasm
is the rapture any woman feels who has had her bell rung
the whore is just more adept at audio than a square
who may not even know the rapture of orgasm
i remember you admitting to me in that posh hotel room
the things you used to do here before you knew me
i remember thinking how far from the truth i thought it was
the answer was close because i could already see what you do
in this seedy world of strippers, booze and money
i remember how you were amazed by my response
i am unique in my acceptance of people with out a typical judgment
it made you love me more
it made you want me more
it made me hear that sound all night til there was nothing left to ravage
i can still hear the sound of your voice
your insatiable moan and the way your body shutters
sometimes i crave you even today
the scent of pheromones and us fucking

October 4, 2010

be still my heart while i build a cage of art

in a rush of euphoria driven by the lush erotic landscape
there are many ways to scale a manic mountain
the way i will do it this time is my cage of art
the supple productivity that eases energy and helps you sleep
the way i want to dissipate it
is with a good fuck and run through the night debauchery
of dirty orgasm whores who ride for days and days
satiating only the incessant needs that come
from finding yourself skin to skin
a moist folly of epic proportions
where the need is to hear your voice in ecstasy
touch your inked skin as the passion writhes
and we slump together in sleepy dissipation
only to have the fire rise up again in passionate clovers
a fuck for days to satiate the mania

October 3, 2010

even a cripple can row my boat


i always know i am out of the manic woods when i can sleep consistently and when i can make fun of myself. both of which have been consistently occurring in the last couple days. i have had a great weekend of doing bite sized art things, a few domestic things and really just being honest with myself. i find i am not very patient with myself in all of the lofty goals i dream up. this leads to many a fucked up mental state where i have fallen off my pedestal. but i always put myself back together and it is done with a map, energy, and moving forward with plans to create art.

and so, in you my love i can remember the keys to the map, muster the energy to move faster, and plan out the next set of art that moves me forward. i am unsure of many things, but am figuring out how to wrap an idea around the storybook of us that may make it possible to live this love story from afar. be wary of what you wish for has been an idea i have been thinking of as i try to hold off the latent depression of the universe answering my call with what appears to be an impossible circumstance.

what would you do for love?

we will find out what i will do for it over the next year or so, because i think my newest book An Instance of Emo can sustain the shear torrid realization that you and i are 2,000 miles away from each other but a few blissful weekends we find ourselves in the same city. writing that letter helped but i have more expression to do before i think i am ok with this distance our storybook has placed between us.

October 2, 2010

an instance of emo, a storybook love affair


An Instance of Emo

words and photographs to capture all the emo we feel.

the moments of futures


are laid in the past we already wrote
waking up to the smile you feared i lost forever
i feared the loss of it when no energy is left but exist
i am not going to open my eyes to feel the warmth of your smile
i can feel you here in this warm bed
this brings me joy to no end
you are as beautiful to me as stars and the sea
that lays blue in a bright sunshine
we are simply divine at listening to each other
as words fold upon words until one of us drifts off to sleep

the thing i miss the most is the moist touch of your skin
that beautiful head on my shoulder and your supple body flush with mine
the thing i anticipate the most is the taste of your lips
in those kisses i crave
your words to me in the darkness of night
fill me with hope as the new day begins
you ask me if i want you here with me
everyday doll, everyday i want to wake to your loving smile
fall asleep to your voice and body
a moist folly to saturate us
i may want it, but i cannot ask for it
our storybook is already written
we are merely participants who take to writing as we experience this love
where someday the time and distance will fold in on use
because i want your love to stay