October 12, 2010

i wear blue glasses for a reason

there is something poetic about the way dreams evaporate once they come true or the way i always think i am perfect and in control and then find myself lost in dementia. or something like that. i keep trying all these different tricks to right the ship i ran aground in manic exuberance. a mad captain running amok like a pirate king in a marauding set of pleasured events. a limited set of pleasure but still the finite vision of debauchery.

i know i am not "well"
i know i am losing
i know i am lost
i know i am not "well"

there is something romantic about the struggles of a manic artist to flip their moods always to the positive, like an inverter in electronics that yield only an amplified sine wave. it is not really possibly in life to always be on the up, for this defies fundamental physics. for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. what goes up must come down ...

i know i am desperate
i know i am lonely
i know i am definitive
i know i am lost

there is something perfect about the lies a manic artist tells himself to motivate his accent from the depths. or maybe they are the lies i weave in my daily life to keep me on the accent and away from shadow. it is so easy to find yourself in shadow and have that darkness tarnish the sunshine mania brings. the disassociation of feelings from reality as i filter this daily life through blue.

i am entropic
i am dynamic
i am tarnished
i am verbose

there is something divine about the joy of mania or at least the outcome of that joy. just as there is something sinister about the fall from grace. i can always imagine climbing up a tall pedestal as if i were a climber scaling a building. i can never picture the fall from those heights nor the divine thoughts pondered on cloud nine.

i need love
i need smiles
i need touch
i need hope

there is something to this ability to suspend one's disbelief, but like a debt unpaid to the mob. you can only avoid the punishment for so long till your mood comes due. i have many tricks in my bag, but when they do not work and i must find other avenues. i crave those needs more than anything else in this life.

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