November 4, 2010
there is something about finding the needle in the haystack and being addicted to the poke of it that is all to intoxicating.
in less than 24 hours this week i lost someone important to my past, had someone important to my future blot out the sun they forced into my life and then became deathly sick; so sick in fact i think i hallucinated for 10 hours straight before waking up and wondering why i felt positive about where i had just come from and where i will be going next.
these last few months have been very turbulent and an experience in and of them selves. when i get sick it usually drags my spirits down because i need forward motion; because i need to know i am working towards creating things. this sickness actually may be cleansing me.
i feel so all alone, always have, but when i was younger i hid it all inside behind a punk's bravado of not caring what folks think or say. in my infinite wisdom along the way in my mid twenties i broke down the facade and wall which allowed me to show the world one thing while also keeping my most sacred hurt hidden. i was very lonely then too. as i am now, so when you said you were all alone; i understood and really just thought we could be alone together.
i feel different. i feel the beginning of different. i also feel disassociated from that past and future. both in whom are people i loved which still i can count on one hand. i will never see or speak to either of you again but my love will be there till the day i die because i can never deny how you both affected me. R.I.P!